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Memories Are Sadistic

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Memories Are Sadistic

08.09.04 (8:00 pm) [edit]

It's amazing how people come & go in a blink of an eye. What seems to be an eternity, is just gone like a wisp of breath on a cold morning.
I miss some of the blogs that use to be here, the people, the insight & their memories would trigger my memories of what of my life was like or I lived there memories through their words. Alas people move on. Such is the same for time, . Sometimes its best that the darkness envelopes there passing. Fading memories are a sadistic reminder that the life is still there but they physicals aspect is permanently gone. No renewal, no adding on to such things. Just gone.
Of course Sadistic can have its reward, but sometimes it spills over into the so called human reality of life. For that I only wish to be alone. I can't step outside myself when it happens. I'm a raging bastard of razors & paper cuts with bleeding slits in the flesh with salt smashed in. I really try to control this side of me. I loathe it at times, I see my darkness come out. I feel it consume the very light inside me, tainting it. I try to reign it in, but I refuse to run from it. Running has its own deep regrets. I wonder at times if I run from it, am I a coward. Coward for not standing up to that inner darkness, a coward for letting consume my soul. Letting that darkness effect my reality and then letting that darkness seep out into and effect others around me. The anger, the rage, the emotional pain of being Dark and not running from it.
I wonder at time does death hold the key to the release of this darkness? But then again is that a cowardly way out? Suicide isn't an option that's the ultimate act of being cowardly & the world & whatever God(s) you believe in probably doesn't condone it as well.
But the more you live, the more the darkness lives. Is this some drawn out punishment given to me or others like me. Life is the ultimate punishment for living in the darkness. The more you try to eliminate the darkness the more it tries to filter back into life by consuming the cracks of inadequacies in your life. Eliminate those cracks, new ones will show up. There called memories & memories can be sadistic.
DarkMood
Listening To: EVANESCENCE
Song: My Last Breath
CD: Fallen

posted by: fyra (reply)
post date: 08.10.04 (10:43 pm)

There are some of us who understand and are strong enough to embrace all of you, come to us for comfort and a shoulder. Your little fireball.. affectionately.. fyra

posted by: SheSpecies (reply)
post date: 08.11.04 (5:31 pm)

I've never heard it put quite that way.

posted by: lynne (reply)
post date: 08.19.04 (6:50 am)

Well, I can see why you call yourself "Darkmood"

I hope you get together with fyra so he/she can show you some light. Or maybe you'll just have meaningless sex which is kind of fun too.

posted by: Euphoria (reply)
post date: 08.20.04 (10:11 am)

Self Mutilation? Although I cannot say that I see the darkness as a bad thing, I can see where you are going with the thought. Darkness is not an endless pit to me but a thought of possibility. Although it sounds cheesy, becoming your own light is all that can be done. The world can be a blank screen but as long as you choose not to fall in, you will become that light at the end of the tunnel. Suicide is an act of throwing into the towel, waving the white flag. I have fallen into that category in my many many times of weakness. Please dont. Your mind is a vast world all its own. Dont let life penetrate that wall of security.

posted by: dwntwndmn8trx (reply)
post date: 10.27.04 (6:41 pm)

DarkMood,
I was having a similar convo earlier with My child, he said, when you have bad memories, you will remember those bad memories forever.. I replied to him that thats true, but so do the good memories, they will last forever, and that everyone has bad memories, but hopefully they have more happy ones than bad.